So the biggest thing on my mind in the past day and a half is my grandmother. It is hard to ignore that over the last couple of months she has started to show signs of dementia. When we talk over the phone she seems to know who I am. But then when she goes to pass the phone onto my grandfather she can't tell him who I am. "It's the little boy," she will say.
"Whats his name? Whats his name?"
It is so hard to hear that. It hurts so much to think that she may not know I am. The good news is that she still recognizes everyone. She still talks to us normally. I dont think she has any trouble with dates - orat least not that I know of. My grandfather tests her from time to time to see how sharp she is. I see the pain in his face when he tells me about her forgetting things.
I think everyone knows how I am about relationships. I don't have very many that I really and truly care about. But those that I do care about I work on and try to protect and embrace with all that I am. Thats the scary thing about this. Its not in my control. I don't pretend to know how hard it will be to deal with my grandmother if she loses her memory. I don't know how I will be able to support people like my dad, who's pain will only be intensified because he has felt like he has let her down so many times before. I want my grandmother. I want her to remember me. I want her to love me and know that I love her. And though I am sure that in her heart all of those things will be constant and true, it scares me to think that they may not be true much longer in the physical world of her mind.
I know you'll do this anyway but I just wanted to remind you how valuable just being present in her life can be. Ask her about her life, write the answers down or videotape them if you haven't already. That was the best thing I ever did with my Grandpa in his later life. Even if he couldn't remember what he had for lunch he knew what happened when he was a boy or during the war AND he loved talking about it. It's absolutely priceless.
ReplyDelete