I can feel the tightness in my chest. Like someone living inside of me is giving me a merciless bear-hug, and not in a loving way. It feels painful and make my chest feel heavy. It's not a feeling that is uncommon to me but the source of the feeling is.
In the past my emotional downward spirals, my unhappiness, were relationship based. Almost always I felt resent towards others who were in happy relationships or I felt doomed to a life of loneliness when I was rejected. Other times I felt doomed because of my own self-perceived inadequacies and how they made me afraid to even pursue a relationship.
But that's not whats causing me to feel this way now. I've felt sad/ambivalent/depressed for the better part of a month. I feel trapped. As the school year ends I think, 'my God, here comes an 11th year of living on a college campus. An 11th year of opening a building, dealing with drunk students, weeknight meetings, dealing with student in crisis, the same training, diversity discussions and on and on and on'.
10 years ago I thought I was stepping on a road. Now it feels like I just ended up stepping onto a treadmill. Never moving, always repeating the same thing over and over.
The truth is, I just don't care anymore. I don't love my job anymore and that makes me feel terrible. It makes me feel terrible because I live were I work and so every second of everyday is a constant reminder of how I feel. I feel terrible because other people can tell that I am unhappy and I don't want to burden others or have them affected by it.
I feel terrible because I feel guilty about being that employee. The kind who is unhappy and starts going through the motions and everyone can tell doesn't want to be there. I love my boss and I love my co-worker. I consider them friends and wonderful people but I can't change the way I feel about this job and it makes me feel like a horrible person knowing that I am going to have a negative impact on them.
I feel terrible because even though I feel this way about my work I know I have caring and supportive people around me and I still feel this way.
What makes it even worse are the lingering doubts. Is it really the job or am I just depressed? What options do I have? I can find another job but not one as financially lucrative as this. How will I find a job that can pay for my rent, my car and help me keep my grandfather in his home? If I find a job and move back home (with my mother) will I be happy? Will having a regular 9-5 make everything all right, or will I just come to resent my family for how their actions and the burden of obligation have led me to a series of less than favorable choices?
Maybe the problem is that I suffer from an overwhelming need for stability. All I have ever wanted in my life has been stability. The problem is, I fear, that I have confused stability with routine. I'm used to not being happy - that's my routine. I'm used to having to help out my family - it's my routine. I'm used to being alone - it's my routine. I've become complacent about the things that cause me pain, grief, sadness and hopelessness. It's easy to say that I don't love my job anymore. The scariest part is that I don't know what I love at all. I feel empty inside.
The few moments of happiness I get are spending time with my friends. Sharing a meal with them, going to the movies, going over there homes and chatting. The thought of leaving these people behind to start an uncertain future is scary and disheartening.
I hope that as in the past this feeling fades. I hope that I come out out of this funk and find a renewed sense of hope; but for now I will just have to wrestle with the doubt, the fear and the sadness.
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