Daniel

Daniel is the Elton John song that means the most to me. I’ve always liked it. Even as a kid being 7, 8, 9 years old i remember liking it whenever it came on the radio. As I grew older it went from being just a song I liked to hear to meaning so much more.

I grew up in a very troubled home. I can honestly say that I don’t ever remember my parents being in love. i can’t even recall them being affectionate with one another. I don’t remember flowers or cards. I saw a lot of violence and anger in my home. I saw drug abuse and despair. I grew up and saw one parent who was broken, and through their pain break they broke other parent. Both of them damaged and hurt beyond repair. They’ll never be whole. I didn’t witness this alone though. Seeing all of this with me, experiencing it with me, was my younger brother. 

One of the biggest burdens that I carry with me is a sense of survivor’s guilt. You see, growing up I had one special skill, talent, passion, knack or whatever you want to call it and that was my performance is school. I was a really good student. Teachers loved me. I loved to read. When a Scholastic’s book order form came to school I couldn’t have been happier. More books to read. New things to learn. I was good at something. Steven was good too. Just not as good. I can’t imagine what it must’ve been like for him to be compared to me - not just at school but at home. To make a long story short, education became my ticket out of my circumstances. When I turned 18 I left and went to school two and half hours away from home. I met new friends and new people. I saw things that I never saw growing up. The problems of home seemed a million miles away. Steven never found his ticket. 

At some point early in his life Steven had to endure a lot of pain (physical and emotional) for not having school come as easily for him as it did for me. By the time he was in third grade he would hide his homework before my dad got home. By fifth grade Steven almost never “had homework”. Steven was smart. He was good with his hands. He could solve puzzles pretty well. But Steven never got to leave home. He never got to meet people and see places that would let him know there was something better. When we growing up together at least we had one another. We could be there for each other and I could try to take care of him and he could try to take care of me. The one day I turned 18 and I was gone, and he was still there. Still there dealing with all of it on his own. I’ve always felt guilty about that. I always look at my life and Steven’s and wonder “why me? What did I do that I was saved and he wasn’t? Could I have done more for him?”. 

As I got older and I listened to Daniel it would make me cry. It would remind me of Steven. Daniel was written by Elton John’s long time collaborator Bernie Taupin. It was supposed to be a song about a Vietnam veteran who comes home to adulation when all he wants to do is go home and forget his time as a soldier. However, a verse was cut from the original draft of the song and left the song up to much interpretation. For me the song has come to embody the way I imagine Steven feels about me and our childhood. I am Daniel who has been to Spain - I’ve traveled and seen the pretty things he never has.

I cry almost every single time I hear the song. Usually during the third verse:

Daniel my brother you are older than me

Do you still feel the pain of the scars that won't heal

Your eyes have died but you see more than I

Daniel you're a star in the face of the sky

Each time I hear it I feel something different and it means something different. Sometimes I imagine it’s Steven asking me if I still remember how painful our childhood was but how I am lucky because I managed to get out (“you see more than I”). Sometimes Steven becomes Daniel in the verse. Even though Steven is younger he’s experienced more pain than I have because he was never been able to get away from the chaos. In that sense he is ‘older’ (Daniel my brother, you are older than me). 

The line that sticks out the most though is “Do you still feel the pain of the scars that won’t heal?”  I know how scarred we are. How much we’ve been hurt. How our past has shaped us and everything we’ve done for better or for worse and how we carry so many terrible memories with us. 

The song Daniel means a lot to me. It always will. While it reminds me of some terrible memories and horrible burden and pain I carry with me everyday, it also reminds me of my brother. Someone I love very much. Someone who I would do almost anything for. Someone who one day I hope can travel on a jet plane with me to go see Spain.

I love you little brother.