Forced Shots...

I remember when I played rec league basketball as a little kid. I wasn't the fastest or the biggest kid so I played hard on defense and did what I could to get someone else a good look at the basket. But I knew at any given time I was more than likely to be in the bottom 5 of the players out on the court. It was never more evident than when I touched the actual ball.

I'd panic.

Unbelievable panic. I would force up horribly ugly shots. I should be passing the ball. Instead I would freak out look up and shoot. Damn setting my feet and and squaring up. I just hoisted the ball in the air for some of the ugliest shooting you have ever seen.

I would always be so embarrassed after games thinking, 'why do you do that?' Which I guess is a question I ask myself all the time. Recently I have been asking it of myself when it comes to my friendships. One of the horrible flaws I share with my father is the feeling that I always need to impress/buy my friends. I know I don't need to. I know in my heart that I am a good guy. I care deeply about those people who are close to me. I try my damnedest to be their for them when they need support, plus I think that I am amusing and smart enough to make for good company. But when I am with them and the issue of money comes up I feel like I always have to over compensate.

Drinks, there on me. Dinner, I got the check. How much did the tickets cost, don't worry about it.

A quick note here. In no way are my friends leaches. They have paid for their fair share of things and always offer to pay. The problem doesn't lie with them. It's with me. There are times when I am more than happy to pay for them, to buy them things and its not an issue. I have the money for it. But there are other times where I tell myself, "you can't spend more than X." But when the check comes it different story. The blame lies in me. I try to be something I am not. I pay partly to show love and partly to mask my own insecurities. In that moment of laying down the plastic charge card or pulling out the handful of twenties I allow myself to pretend that I am more successful and secure than I really am.

I really need to get a hold of myself. I need to firmly believe and know that the love my friends have for me isn't tied to the amount of money I am willing to spend on them. When I forced up those shots during games I was trying to do things beyond what I was truly capable of, and the result of those actions were negative. It's the same here. I need to be honest with myself and know that if it's good enough for those around me it should be good enough for me too.