I knew it was going to be hard at times. It’s 8:43pm on a Sunday. Tomorrow I will start work and that will be good. I want to stay busy. The moments I have time to think the more alone I feel. Sometimes I feel like I am in some kind of self imposed exile. It’s rough. But then I have to remind myself that I asked for this and that it will be good for me in the long run.
I am lucky in the sense that I live in a time and age where I can remain connected to my friends and family through the internet. Other people in the past haven’t had that luxury. It provides comfort, but it also can sometimes provide pain. The internet provides me with ways to not just keep in contact but in some ways it serves as a reminder of all that I’ve left behind.
As difficult as this feeling is now, I know that this will be a temporary feeling. Transition has always been difficult for me. I crave stability, even if it isn't positive stability. My move to New Jersey feels anything but stable. My new apartment still kind of feels like a really nice hotel room that I am staying in until I can return home. But I know that someday (hopefully sooner rather than later) this will feel like home.
When I talked to my friends Emily, Terra and Gina about making a move all the way across the country they put things in perspective for me. I admire them and their strength. But I knew there was one thing that they had in their moves that I wouldn’t have. A partner. Changes can be tough for anyone but when you have someone to share the struggles and the triumphs. Making these changes with a partner, I would imagine, makes the transition easier. It makes the lows seem not so loew and it makes the highs feel a little higher. You’re in it together. You’re a team. I don’t have that. I have people who love and support me but they aren’t here. I have to go through this alone. And in the quieter moments when doubts creep in it is really tough. I wish I had someone here with me to help me be stronger.
Hopefully I can push through and be tough. I do want to end though by thanking all the people who have just been so great and loving. You all know who you are. I am going to need y’all as I get settled here. I love y’all.
I am lucky in the sense that I live in a time and age where I can remain connected to my friends and family through the internet. Other people in the past haven’t had that luxury. It provides comfort, but it also can sometimes provide pain. The internet provides me with ways to not just keep in contact but in some ways it serves as a reminder of all that I’ve left behind.
As difficult as this feeling is now, I know that this will be a temporary feeling. Transition has always been difficult for me. I crave stability, even if it isn't positive stability. My move to New Jersey feels anything but stable. My new apartment still kind of feels like a really nice hotel room that I am staying in until I can return home. But I know that someday (hopefully sooner rather than later) this will feel like home.
When I talked to my friends Emily, Terra and Gina about making a move all the way across the country they put things in perspective for me. I admire them and their strength. But I knew there was one thing that they had in their moves that I wouldn’t have. A partner. Changes can be tough for anyone but when you have someone to share the struggles and the triumphs. Making these changes with a partner, I would imagine, makes the transition easier. It makes the lows seem not so loew and it makes the highs feel a little higher. You’re in it together. You’re a team. I don’t have that. I have people who love and support me but they aren’t here. I have to go through this alone. And in the quieter moments when doubts creep in it is really tough. I wish I had someone here with me to help me be stronger.
Hopefully I can push through and be tough. I do want to end though by thanking all the people who have just been so great and loving. You all know who you are. I am going to need y’all as I get settled here. I love y’all.
ve them alone. It takes two people to argue so just leave them alone and deal with the problem later when all the emotion is out of the situation. But its the second piece of advice that has really helped me out. They said that when you start a new family that new family has to come first. You cant allow your parents, brothers, and sisters to butt themselves into the creation of your new family. I think that helps me put somethings in perspective. I cant keep bailing my folks out or else I will never be able to start my own life. When I was 18 I gave my mom 10,000 dollars that was supposed to go to my college education. I am guessing I have given my dad somewhere around 2500 dollars in the last 6 years (though that number is deceiving and unfair to my mom because a lot of the money I have given my mom has been to deal with the various liens and 
debts created by my father). As for mom, I would say that with this 2000 I have given her about 6000 dollars in help over the last 6 years. If I were rich, or was working that be one thing. But I have been a college student the majority of that time. But I gave what I could give because they were my family and I felt the obligation to do so. But I can;t do that anymore.
The reality of the situation and the toll of this disease on him overwhelmed me. I began to tear up (in case you dont know I am a bit of a crier). I held it together and composed myself by helping my grandmother clean some of the house windows. Thankfully, he seems a lot better now. He is still thin. Still limited in what he ca he eat. But when I visited him today he was no longer confined to his bead. He was in his front yard watering and tending to his plants and flower. For a split second normalcy had been restored to my life, and more importantly his.